ON ReMARRIAGE: Stepfathers deserve to be honored too

By Paula Bisacre | Sunday, June 15, 2008

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As Father's Day approached, I found myself making the annual visit to the local card and gift

shop with my son.

I encourage, and even subsidize, his efforts to find just the right card and gift for his dad - my ex-husband. At my urging, we also search each year, usually in vain, for the appropriate recognition for my current husband - my son's stepfather.

As we look at the meager selection of cards - one too flowery, another too childish - designed for stepfathers, I wonder why these important father figures are all too often overlooked.

Stepfathers are so under-recognized that it's not even easy to rattle off stereotypes about them. Unlike even the most "evil" stepmothers, stepfathers don't star in movies or bedtime stories. A Google search yields definitions of "stepfather" that include "the man who is married to someone's mother but who is not their real father." Most definitions make stepfathers sound like replacement parts for a vacuum cleaner.

As the number of stepfamilies in this country grows by a million each year, more people are learning the value of stepdads. For those who may not be aware, here's a brief primer.

A stepfather is the man stuck next to you on the Beltway's inner loop on a Friday evening, futilely trying to get home to catch his stepson's umpteenth baseball game this week. He's the shopper at Wal-Mart at 4 a.m. Dec. 24 trying to snag the last copy of the hottest video game. He's the neighbor teaching his stepson how to hedge the bushes, or his stepdaughter how to parallel park between two broomsticks.

Stepfathers listen compassionately to their teenage stepchildren at the dinner table and skip golf on Saturday morning so they can take them to their SATs. They provide endless guidance and leadership, all while silently providing a secure and safe environment for their families. They often take on financial responsibilities - everything from summer camps to medical bills and college to wedding bills - and do so without complaint.

Stepfathers volunteered for their positions as heads of blended households even though that role presents unique challenges. They strive every day to provide emotional support to not only their wives, but their wives' children. They often offer to help mediate between hostile parties, helping to smooth out issues of the day - ranging from who will pay for swimming lessons to who will drop off the kids where.

Some struggle over how much to insert themselves into the ongoing discipline process between mom and child. Not only do they arbitrate, but they learn to integrate, especially if an ex is in the picture. They have to learn to be a complement to a child's father in a constructive way - delicately walking the line so as not to interfere with the natural father-child bonding process.

Imagine how difficult it could be to know a man who was, or perhaps still is, disrespectful to your wife, and yet refrain from judgment for the benefit of your stepchildren.

Many stepfathers go the extra mile to keep their stepchildren engaged with their fathers in healthy ways.

Regardless of whether their actions are out of love for their wives, stepchildren, or both; a desire to be a responsible parent; or, a desire to please the ones they love, stepfathers have earned far more than the dictionary definitions and card racks would have us believe.

So on this Father's Day, not wanting to take one ounce of well-deserved honor away from biological dads, and foster, adoptive and grandfathers, I also would like to recognize, and encourage others to appreciate, the millions of stepfathers out there who are unsung heroes.

I, for one, will be pulling out the construction paper and markers so my son can learn to do his part.

•Paula Bisacre, founder of Remarriage LLC, is the publisher and executive editor of reMarriage magazine

(www.remarriagemagazine.com), a quarterly publication that provides practical solutions for the growing remarriage community. She can be reached at publisher

@remarriagemagazine.com.

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